www.imbeautifool.blogspot.com

What i was thinking along my way from KTM Kuala Lumpur to Puduraya is
"Why am i here? and What makes me born in this world?"
I just dont know what the purpose of me living in this world.
I just walked and i was unconscious & I don't know why am i walking towards Puduraya and i felt lost. Yes, the word LOST is the term that accurately described my feeling/mind at that time.
I have live in this world for almost 24 years but im ~~empty~~.
I lost my dad when i was 13 years old. I wasn't by his side when he died.
I didn't went to his funeral instead i went to school like nothing happened.
I can still smile in front of my friends and i didn't told them that my dad has gone.
im WEIRD! (maybe i can't accept the fact that he was gone.)
But then, when i'm alone... I cried out loud...All my sorrows were tearing out and then i fallen into sleep. That when i was 13 years old.

During my toddler stage...I'd less seen my dad. I'd less spent my time with him.
I didn't know where he went, what he did, why he wasn't with me??
Lotsa questions were questioning myself. I don't have answers for those questions.
But what i knew was, I'd pray to God Lord above to bond my parents together again. Make us stay together and live happily ever after like a fairytale end.
But my prays were never came true because dad passed away.
i felt empty and lost. Dad wasn't on earth anymore. He'd left me alone with two brothers and a mum. Maybe, cat as well (i can't remember)
At that time, I didn't know what to do with my mum, even worst... I hate my mum...
Ohhh..that was the hardest part. Can you believe me?
I hate my mum because my dad was passed away. I'd blame her for the lost of my dad.
I didn't want to share anything with her. For me, she the reason I'm ~~lost~~.

However, as years passing by... I've learned and accepted her presence in my life.
Even I've accepted her in my life, sometimes we've argues, we've fights and sometimes she makes me smile. That my mum.
Now, I love her so much even though sometimes, she's trying to control my future and my life.
I don't like my future to be control because I've planned.
Yes, I've planned "things" in my life. And i prefer to keep it secret within me.
I hope "things" come true before i depart from this earth.

By the way mum, thanks for being the opposite one in my life.
I've learned a lot from you. You've taught me to be extraordinary and different from others.
I salute and cherish you, You face your life with faith, dignity even sometimes a lil bit fake...and you've get

through it.
You don't care what people say about you because you know yourself so well and know what is the best for you. And i hardly beg and praise to God that God will add up your agefor another 100 years...
so that i can die together with you. I don't want to live in this world alone.

Labels: your innocent naive daughter

I never had the chance to tell you how much I loved you until I sat by your bed side stroking your brow like you use to do when I was little.
I wiped the sweat from your brow, and the tears from your eyes.
I often wondered how you felt when you realized that you weren't going to make it.
The way you opened your eyes and saw us crying over you.
How frightened you must have been. I wish I would have taken that feeling from you,
like the way you use to do for me when I was afraid of facing my fears.
I never was the type of person to hug and kiss you dad.
I wish I could have done it more.

I have to face that bitter truth, the one I dreaded, but knew I would have to face.
You have left me. You are gone. The most important man in my life, my father.
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you died.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I am so very sorry.
I'm sorry I lost you.
I'm sorry I don't have you with me.

Who is going to tell me when I'm doing it wrong and give me guidance?
Who is going to protect me, when I need protection?
Who is going to love me in the same unselfish, and unconditional way that you did?
I want you back dad. I want you here with me. I want you to tell me what to do.
I want that hug that you would give me and told me everything would be O.K.,
even though neither you nor I knew what would happen.
I want your smiling face, deep voice of reassurance, your hug, your touch, your love.

I've tried talking to you, but you don't answer.
When I pray to God, I get a warm fuzzy, so I know God is listening,
but when I pray to talk to you, I get cut off, and everything is cold.
Are you there?
Do you still love me dad? Do you remember me?

I want to spend time with you, be with you, talk to you, have fun with you,
be able to have you tell me the wise thing to do.
How do I go on without you?
I miss you so much dad.
I don't want you to be dead; I want you here with me.
I wish you could come home. I really wish you could come home.

I love you dad.
i just want you. You are the only man that i need until my last breath.
These days it has been torture. I have been hiding my feelings of sorrow, aching pain, and grief.
I can't cry. You always knew that I was the strong one.

Labels: lost love, your innocent naive daughter